What is Love? Baby Don’t Hurt Me.
What is love?
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
In short…I’ve never been in love. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. But it’s always been my choice.
See, I’ve never been in love because I never allowed myself to be… to let myself go… because I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to give it a chance. I couldn’t fall in love until all of my conditions were met. I had to make sure they were doing XYZ so that I’d be 100% sure I could love them.
But that’s not true love.
This fear stems from losing my father at the age of 16.This completely shattered my faith in God. I didn’t realize how much this truly affected me until I reflected on my relationships (platonic and romantic) and noticed that they suffered from fear and self-sabotage (intentional or not).
Granted everyone is not meant to be in your life but this can be a blurry line between God moving and decisions I made.
Love is unconditional. Love is sacrifice (John 15:13)
Yeah.. Much easier said than done.
I was always nitpicking and criticizing. They were never enough. Partially because I believed I was a perfect catch and knew I deserved more. They needed to bow down to my demands and meet my needs first. But that’s not how God loves us. God loves us regardless. We didn’t meet any of his needs or demands. We couldn’t. Because we were and ARE imperfect. Jesus still laid down his life knowing that we would continuously sin and essentially spit in His face but He wanted us to know how much He truly loved us.
Love. There is no fear in perfect love. (1 John 4:18)
In hindsight, I realized I was scared. I was hesitant. I was reacting from pain, hurt, lack of trust. Me acting out and holding back love was a defense mechanism. I would always leave before I would get left because I didn’t want to experience that pain. I was a maneater.. But my soul was still unsatisfied.
It wasn’t until I was at my absolute rock bottom and completely done with fruitless relationships that I realized that I needed Jesus. I thought I knew him but I really didn’t understand and could not comprehend His love. When I think of all that He did and the pain he endured just to save little old me, I’m in disbelief but also filled with joy.
As I’m nearing a quarter century, I’m praying and believing that God will restore me, help me to live fearlessly and mend this broken heart, that I’ll be able to give my love freely to the one who will redeem me.