Making the Ultimate Commitment!
I grew up in the church. What exactly does that mean? It means you learned how to memorize scripture, knew how to pray, do and say all the right things. Both of my parents were Pastors. Yes I'm a PK. I was named after my Reverend and Grandmother. I was destined to be a church leader of some sort. But it's not what I wanted...
I was the goodie two shoes but wanted so bad to fit in with the cool kids. It seems like no matter what I did I was always singled out. "Set apart" as we say. I remember on my high school senior trip I asked one of my friends to pour me a drink and she flat out told "NO. You can't have this." Like really?! 🙄 What H.S. student says no to giving a friend a drink.
In my junior year of high school, my father passed away. This completely shattered my faith in God. I had so many questions and doubts. We'd been praying, fasting, sacrificing what we had. But nothing made a difference.
I was so devastated and borderline depressed. What was the point of being good? What was the point of being a Christian if the Devil still got to win? What was the point of school? Getting good grades? What was the point in life?! Why was I even here?
I wanted to get away from home so bad, I needed some space... my own space! I was miserable at home. I'd been trying for 3 years to move off campus and was finally able to transfer. I applied three days before the deadline and was accepted over the phone. (When does that happen?)The next day Mom & I went dorm shopping and the following day I moved upstate. Talk about a miracle.
When I finally got on campus you better believe I took full advantage and went in. I wanted the full college experience I'd heard so much about, I was performing, partying, pretty much going in. I wasn't much of a drinker but all it took was one drink to leave me with a stomach condition I have to deal with until this day (more on that later).
I bounced from situationship to situationship seeking comfort and acceptance. But I would never fully give away my heart because I was scared of getting hurt or being left. So I would always end things first or sabotage it.
I was an emotional mess. I had drifted away from God. But who was God?! God let my father die. My uncle die. My Grandma die. Who are you? I wanted to turn my back on God and live without Him because I was angry hurt and confused. I felt like God had turned his back on me. Like Jonah, I kept running away but I knew he was always there with me.
My first semester on campus I lost a family member. 2nd semester I lost another family member. Then I was kicked out. I prayed to God and wrote an appeal asking him to let me back and in and I promised I would change everything. He did and so did I. Sort of. I joined BASIC (Brothers and Sisters in Christ) and the Gospel Choir. I stopped going to parties and surrounded myself with Christ minded friends.
I started going to church... but doing right doesn't mean your heart is right. I soon fell into old patterns letting guys distract me from God. And just because they say they're Christian doesn't mean their not counterfeits. After ending my final situationship I decided to become celibate.
After graduating college I struggled to make / find new friends. All my friends were back on campus. I knew I needed to surround myself with people that would help keep me on track. 2 years later I found Trinity Church Harlem. it's been an amazing experience meeting people my age with a passion for serving Jesus and it completely changed my outlook on what a Christian should look like.
I've battled with insecurities, lust, trust and commitment issues for pretty much half of my life. But I finally decided to fully commit to my walk with Jesus on 7.30.2017. The enemy tried to talk me out of it but I'm thankful for those who pushed me forward. I've decided to leave my past behind and only look forward. I'm not my past or my mistakes. God has already forgiven you and I and only loves us and wants the best for us. And I want the best for myself. Only He knows what is best so I will look to Him. Always. This is only part of my story. 😉✝️